It started sometime last summer.
Over the last year, I moved within transition, a migration of sorts towards “better” in several areas of my life. In retrospect, a rigid complacency had set in, apparently for years, and I had lost a growth sense of ambition.
The “now” was settled in; my seek had completely ended. This would have been a good thing except for that nagging sensation that things are rarely alright when one stops moving.
I started to feel a certain level of unwieldy discomfort in my day to day that increasingly followed me around like storm clouds. The fog began to seep into other previously-unaffected regions of my viability. My otherwise “happy” life was becoming convoluted with the breakdown in overall purpose that I was experiencing. I unplugged from family. I struggled even more so with balance. I questioned my intentions, then my seasons, my motivations. I stress-dreamed. My pressure went up. I became an internal mess of “Why am I here?” I became a slew of conflicts and emotions rather quickly.
Something had to change. But what was bothering me?
A personal maturation leap was just on the horizon.
I made requests to the Universe, then just…waited. I paid strict attention to my dreams, the portal to my subconscious desires. I prayed more frequently and more earnestly for…whatever was coming.
The wait out of this darkness of uncertainty was horribly difficult and felt decades long, but…
I became an entirely newer version of myself.
With heavy preparations for a chosen professional change came unexpected lessons in academic endurance, directional resolve, and fear-facing. During the day, I still smiled and performed to task. On the inside, I struggled with the next step in the big-picture process that I worried would be futile. Everything felt like a battle, a really long stairwell to just the upcoming stage and not even the end of all of this.
There were assessments containing information that I hadn’t seen since the eighth grade. There was money flying out of my back door. Mostly, though, was the fact that I had to make a decision and live with that decision. Every day, I double-backed, re-asked the same questions, and made the same resolve to stay on the safe peninsula that I had lived on for years without concern, even as the water washed over the land around me.
I didn’t know how to swim. All I had was a little metaphorical boat and no maritime skills whatsoever.
This summer has been the realization of all that I prepared for. My new hire training began last week and it only took a day to recognize that those staggering clouds that once plagued my clear vision were slowly going away. In their place was my sky, still a bit overcast, but on its own quite a lovely sight after cloud cover and days-long deluge.
Heading out into “new” is still a daily challenge. I’m starting from the bottom again and taking in so much knowledge that my brain is smoking and fried in the afternoons. But the relief is well worth the eventual payout. The peace is strong and promising. I cry in the potential of greatness.
I know that had to become the person ready for this summer of learning before it could be divinely summoned. Now, I travel. I am grateful for the teaching.