Allow me to preface this message with one surely emphatic, public notification of my own full cognizance: I am not pregnant. The reason I know I am not pregnant is because my cycle arrives every 25th day.
It’s like taxes.
Additionally, I will not become pregnant in the future, near or otherwise, planned or non. I know this to be true due to biology, as well, but no specific details are needed. Jrue will be five years old in a month, and we are hopeful that, any day now, Jai will embrace the phenomenon that is potty training to free us from the terrible expense of the diaper world. Within these aspirations are no room for fresh-out-the-box labor worries or recovery time or exclusive breastfeeding, even though babies are quite sweet and lovable when they sleep in long stages like kittens.
Aww. So peaceful.
So, why am I experiencing dreams of being pregnant?
I recognize my usual dreamscapes as containing the desires of my subconsciousness and of pointing me in the directions of spiritual intent. I see houses and school buses. Often during dreams, my husband is hanging out with me. Or I’m helping a celebrity that I see as clearly as if having met in real life. Sometimes, I am not oriented with my surroundings and seek out signposts to help with clarity. I’m commonly on a stage or out in a field. It’s dark or colorful or menacing or enticing. But I have a bit of control over my illusions. For instance, if my brain yells out a scene change, I can relocate (teleport) easily. If the background longs for music, my internal jukebox begins whatever I heard the days or weeks prior.
But what’s happening with these nighttime images of round bellies and water breaking and waddling walks? Being kicked from the inside? Having swollen, itchy feet? Trying not to roll over “on the baby?” They are memories from pregnancy, granted, but not too pleasant in the least.
I do not like these dreams one bit. I wake up panicked, rarely knowing where I am in the initial haze, believing that I had lost count of fetal kicks or putting my weight on a bulging stomach, which are two circumstances that I mentally struggled with while carrying both Jrue and Jai.
It has to be a crisis. Or I’m losing my mind. Both.
Writer Gabrielle Moss for the website Bustle has some answers for me regarding what these dreams may signify. “Dreams about finding yourself suddenly pregnant often mean that ‘an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life is growing and developing,’ one that you may not be ready to take public yet,” she says. “They can also mean a fear of new responsibilities. Dreams about going into labor can signify that a project that you are about to embark upon will take a lot of effort.” (Moss, 2014)
Similar web searches (and I have performed numerous ones) turn up synonymous ideas. The dream dictionary at DreamsCloud, for example, notes, “Pregnancy is all about the creation and development of life, so dreaming of being pregnant may be a metaphor for the birth of something in your life, such as a new idea, project or goal. It may also symbolize an aspect of yourself that is developing or growing. Being pregnant may also symbolize creativity in general or the creation of a specific work of art or project. It may also suggest the potential or opportunity for growth; or may represent the beginning of something new, such as a relationship or job.” (“What Does It Mean When You Dream About Being Pregnant?”)
I get it. I have plenty going on. There are concurrent agendas running simultaneously in my life. I am easily frustrated and impatient in my wait because forces around me are moving in before I can take a single step out. Resources are drying up without my say-so. Factions out of my control are attempting to dictate my decisions, and I am resistant because they are not what I wish to do at this moment. I think. I am pursing new, with no way to tell if the way I am, indeed, pursuing it is correct to do or even the best for my family.
I’m trying to birth something.
My brain is working overtime. Overnight. Stress is manifesting in my dreams in the form of a fictional baby. I’m a mommy, sure, but that’s crazy.
I hope that I can begin running my anticipated bases soon. Just to be able to get out of my head. And my reproductive system.
Moss, Gabrielle. “What Do Dreams About Pregnancy Mean When You’re Not Pregnant? Your 21 Most Common Baby Mama Nightmares, Explained.” Bustle, Oct. 3, 2014, https://www.bustle.com/articles/42641-what-do-dreams-about-pregnancy-mean-when-youre-not-pregnant-your-21-most-common-baby-mama. Accessed May 9, 2018.
“What Does It Mean When You Dream About Being Pregnant?” DreamsCloud, n.d., https://www.dreamscloud.com/en/dream-dictionary/symbol/pregnancy. Accessed May 9, 2018.